It's OK to Not be OK

It's unusual for me to share an inward look at the burden I carry in the deep, deep hidden compartments of my soul. I normally only share my surface level struggles and most of my triumphs.

I have been sitting with difficult feelings for the past few months. My natural inclination is to write when torment comes my way, but I hadn't found the resolution yet. I almost never blog unless I can paint the rainbow amongst the clouds. It's who I am. Stand in the rain, but remember His promise of sunshine afterwards. 

Beware the Crystal Ball

I've spoken about the crystal ball before in one of my previous blogs. It's that nasty fortune-telling apparatus that jerks you out of your comfortable daydream that things are going swimmingly and everything is in its place and as it should be. 

You may have guessed it by now. I am talking about my life with autism and the never-ending fear of the pending future that comes with it. 

Most of the time, I am fine and happily living in the present. I am constantly assessing where my son measures in accordance with his peers - "How far do we have to catch up academically? How many years do we need to make up for in his social development? What are the goals we should set over the next 6 months?" - and so on and so on. 

We make goals. We crush goals. That is our norm...most of the time. 

It wasn't until about two months ago that AJ started bringing home worksheets, specifically, math worksheets consisting of basic addition. 1 + 1...

He couldn't do them. I had found our wall. It didn't matter how many times I had drilled him, how many diagrams or building blocks I used, not even on a number line or using our fingers. He couldn't do it. Just when we had the slightest bit of success, we would start up the next evening and it was like I was introducing it all again for the first time. 1 + 1...

Let that sink in for a minute...my 8-year old couldn't add together 1 + 1. 

You can imagine what happened to me over the next two months. The crystal ball came out, slapped me in the face and told me "How dare you hope for a brighter future than the one you've got. Stop trying to wish for a different set of cards and instead accept the hand you've been dealt." 

How Low is Low?

My mind started running away with my emotions. Sadness and emptiness started to settle in as I gave space to thoughts of a dark and a less than promising future. 

The year 3 (2nd grade) curriculum requirements came out for the end of term and the teacher stressed to the parents that the children must learn all of their multiplication tables by the end of the year. MULTIPLICATION! What?!?!? 

I had this visual in my head that all these children were jumping out of their starting blocks racing towards their lives while AJ and I were left standing at the starting line watching everyone race off into their future. 

I put a lot of stress on education. I equate having a solid education with being able to go to college and get a good job. A good job means a good living and having your own home. It ultimately means being successful. Success equals happiness. In my mind, AJ's pending future wouldn't end in happiness, which inevitably meant that mine wouldn't either. 

I am constantly bombarded with teachers and advisors telling me it's ok that AJ isn't where he should be as long as he is progressing and moving forward. It would just be at a different rate than others. While all of that may be true, at some point there is a cut-off though. It's not the here and now that scares me, it's the cut-off.

Yes, he can have an aid all the way through into high school. He can have someone sit with him and break down his homework for him, ask him questions in a different way that makes sense to him, and keep him on task. Yes, he can have his homework specified to his ability level and yes, we can plug in holes as we move along in his curriculum. At some point though, no one is going to be allowed to hold his hand. He can't go off to college with a para, and last time I checked, he won't be offered an assistant to stand next to him at his job prompting him to stay on track and breaking down each of his tasks for him. 

AND please don't send me links of these happy, pleasant videos of all these kids with autism washing cars for a living at a business that only hires handicapped folks thinking you have just solved all my problems. I want you to think back to the time that you first held your beautiful baby in your arms or saw your first sonogram. I can bet you were thinking about soccer games, sleepovers, prom, college, and watching them get married. You didn't see that heartbeat for the first time and think, "Man, I hope my kid grows up to wash someone else's car for a living." 

I am not putting down anyone's occupation or way of living and providing for their family or themselves. I am just trying to make my feelings relatable to you. 

You might be thinking I am overreacting or being dramatic, and if you think that, that's because you don't have a child with special needs. You don't sit in the same space as I do day after day. Please do me a favour and stop analysing my thought process. Just "listen". 

Don't offer me advice. Sure as heck don't tell me "it's all going to be ok", because you don't know that. I don't know that. No one knows that. That's the point of the crystal ball and why I hate it. 

Just do me a favour and tell me "It's ok to not be ok." Allow me the space to feel sad, angry, worried, empty, lonely, terrified, frustrated... Allow me to not be ok over and over and over again. If I have learned anything from this experience, it's that grief can come back as many times and as often as it needs to. 

A Revelation

Woofta, that was not easy to write. Lots of tears were shed just putting those raw emotions down on paper as I tried to articulate my last two months. 

As He promised though, amidst the rain shines the rainbow in the grey sky, and yes, even in England, the sun does come back. 

Our family is Mormon. We baptise at the age of accountability which is 8-years old. It's the age we feel that children can understand the difference between right and wrong and can understand the commitment that they are making when choosing to be baptised into our church. 

This pending date had been hovering over me for a while. Would AJ be ready in time? Had I done enough; taught him enough to prepare him for his interview? Would he pass his interview? What if the questions confuse him? Will the Bishop know how to rephrase them?

There is a policy in our church that extends mercy to people with disabilities. Those that are unable to understand or comprehend right and wrong aren't held accountable, therefore, they are not required to be baptised. 

It wasn't until teaching AJ the doctrine of Christ that I was able to share with him the things that God asks us to do while in this probationary state. That's when it hit me. Nowhere in the Bible does it say that AJ must have a fancy job or a college degree in order to inherit the ultimate happiness that God extends to all of His children, a.k.a. eternal life with Him. He only asks that we "Come Follow Him", that we try our best to keep the commandments that He has given us, that we take upon ourselves the name of His son and think of Him often, and that we utilise the Atonement of Jesus Christ in our lives. 

When I had given AJ his last "lesson" during his therapy before his baptismal interview, I asked him if he understood. He looked me square in the eyes and said, "Mom, let's go to the church. AJ get baptised".  I was gobsmacked. AJ has been adamant that he was not getting baptised for over a year for his fear of having water enter his ears, nose, or eyes. For the longest time, we couldn't even say the word "baptism" without AJ wildly protesting with his hands, "No, not me. I not go deep." 

We didn't know it, but AJ had developed his own method for being immersed into the water preventing all water from entering his unwanted crevices. He had understood what was being asked of Him by the Lord and was determined to be baptised. 

God created a plan of happiness for all of His children, even AJ. Happiness in this life looks differently for everyone. AJ is different, very different, but the Saviour is perfect and He perfectly knows my son. He gave him this trial, and by golly, He also gave him the means to return to Him. 

I'm not saying my problems are gone and my anxiety is put to bed for good, but I am saying that my faith has restored my energy to keep going, to keep pursuing those math sums, those comprehension questions, and the never-ending spelling exams. 

This Earth life is messy, but it's supposed to be. We aren't supposed to be able to do it on our own. That's the whole point, and I have AJ to continually remind me of that fact. Our time here is short, but it's what we do with it that counts. 

Here is a stunning picture of my gorgeous boy on the day of his baptism:

Congratulations, AJ. We are so proud of you for all that you have accomplished, for your perseverance and your can-do attitude. You never give up, ever. You work harder than any person I've ever met and it has been my privilege to be your mom. 

My heart,

~K

End of Term

Golly, where did the time go? I just checked my last blog update for our family and it was back in October! Say what?! 

We've had a busy few months during our first term back to school, including mid-term break. Let me catch you up!

Karate Kids

AJ and Paisley are fully digging their senseis and martial arts class. Both have successfully integrated into the dojo and love the work ethic and team structure involved. It's literally two blocks from our house and several of the attendees are from their school, so it was easy to make friends and crack on!

AJ did his first grading (testing for your next belt) in the classroom with Sensei Mary as we weren't sure what a mass grading would be like for him. He passed with flying colors and received his certificate and matching "Red Belt". We thought exposing him to a proper grading via watching Paisley have a go would be a great way of introducing the environment and expectations. Needless to say, he was all over it and kept asking when it was his turn to demonstrate his skills. Sensei and I both felt he would be ready for the next grading, and he was! 

I am now the proud mother of two "Red/Black Belts". Paisley, of course, is already chasing her next belt and has been practicing her press-ups (push-ups) every day on Christmas break. She is up to 10, but not consecutively. She has to pause at 3, 6, and 9. She needs to be able to do 5 in a row. Her technique, however, is spot on. Considering her butt was as tall as she was and her push-ups consisted of head bobs at first, we've come a LONG way! 

She just received her jump roping badge for 3 sets of 10 jumps in a row and has her eye on a trophy for box splits. She has a work hard attitude and I love it! 

AJ earned his turning badge and is also perfecting his jump roping skills. He finally figured out the motion of the jumping as the rope swings around, but he stops to celebrate after each individual accomplishment. I dig his enthusiasm!

Halloween 

As I said last year, Halloween isn't a big to-do over here. It is slowly catching on and you definitely see a presence hit the stores via costumes and trick-or-treat necessities, but it continues to be a holiday that several Brits despise. 

That being said, we went all out this year. I love Halloween! Next to Christmas, it's my favourite holiday. I found a fun corn maze and family-oriented Halloween-themed outing for the kids and me to do while Aaron was working. It was half-term break after all and the kids and I needed out of the house. 

These two were inseparable the whole time.

I took them to Millets Farm just up the road and boy did we have a ball. There was a witch hat hunt along the spider infested forest. That's not too far from the truth! Britain is full of those creepy eight-legged little monsters. 

AJ, however, is a keen admirer of arachnids and has a vast collection of authentic-looking specimens. There is not enough Cadbury for me to even cope.

This spider is about the size of the one I found in my crochet basket not long ago. I may be able to stop highlighting my hair soon as each one brings me a few new white streaks! YIKES!

 During our goblin hunt, we managed a few more fun photos!

We hit the sand pits on our way back and the kids loved being diggers and tow trucks. AJ even remembered "safety first". Make no mistake though, the little one with the binky was the one in charge of the build! 

When it came time to celebrate the joyful holiday, we dressed to impress! The girls and I went this year with the theme of Sleeping Beauty. Paisley was most definitely first in line to accept the role of princess, and Channing and I were left with the supporting roles of Maleficent and her raven. 

 Celaya's hit the Cotswolds

Since the day we moved here, I have seen signs for the Cotwold's Wildlife Park. I knew I would have to take AJ there at some point. We had a zoo membership back home in Colorado and attended at least once a quarter...minimum, sometimes once a month in the spring and summertime. 

AJ brought along his bag of animals for our adventure and managed to display each one readily as we toured the wildlife preservation. Each one accompanied by their sound, of course. 

 This place is amazing and if you haven't been yet, you should go. It's a huge park with lots of ground to stretch your legs and take in a real-life atmosphere of animals roaming. Fields are vast and open and the animals are obviously loved. 

I could have gone for a tad bit more fencing between us and some of the animals, but AJ would have to disagree. He was loving the exposure!

Although AJ loves ALL animals, he certainly has his favourites and rhinos are definitely one of them! 

Paisley, on the other hand, loves anything small, soft, and cuddly. If she can pet it, she's in!

We think Channing is following in the footsteps of her big sister. We laugh about how similar they are becoming. Channing is just Paisley, the sequel. 

We spent our entire day here and I am not even sure if we saw everything. That's how BIG it is! On top of all the animal exhibits, they have a sweet playground, too. We can't go back soon enough. 

Fireworks in November?

If you are a lover of large firework shows, then Guy Fawkes Day is for you! (And actually all days leading up to and a few days afterwards.) What can I say, the Brits loves FIREPOWER and man can they put on a show! 

We are so lucky to live in the neighbourhood that we do, because the largest show in Abingdon is directly behind where we do martial arts! The two older kiddos and I bundled up and headed out for a night of majestic bright lights illuminating the night sky and fresh hot mugs of delicious mint hot chocolate. 

All Things Birthday

I turned the big #33 this year and asked for three things: an Apple iWatch, wireless Beats earbuds, and a trip to the Bath Christmas Market. 

Aaron delivered on all three and then some. Here's our family headed to the historic city of Bath to take in the iconic "Best Christmas Market" in England. 

You can't hardly drive in and around Bath in a big van like ours so we found a convenient car park nearby and took a 20 minute shuttle ride into the city centre. The kids and I stood by taking in the glorious holiday displays up in every store front window while Aaron got his bearings. 

The kids were getting peckish, but every vender was pushing a queue a mile long. Did I mention this is the biggest Christmas market in the UK? Everyone from everywhere was there! We decided truck food was out and M&S cafe was in. Chocolate cake for the win!

The market was decidedly a bust. I don't know what it is, but I don't find them that exciting or even that robust with good things. Every vendor seemed to be pushing either some type of mulled or pressed liquor or ratty and tattered accessories from some other country. I had settled on buying a Christmas ornament to mark the occasion, but couldn't even find one worth spending a couple quid on! Yuck! 

The Abbey on the other hand was remarkable. We will most certainly be returning to Bath to see the inside of this beautiful cathedral and the actual Roman baths from which the city gains its name. 

Another high point of the evening was the enchantment of the snow making machine. My kids haven't seen snow in over a year so when they spotted fresh flurries falling from the sky, they literally stopped in their tracks to dance around in it and catch a few flakes on their tongues. 

It's so funny to me. These kids have no idea what they've seen or taken in during their short time living abroad. I am so grateful to be giving them these enriching experiences so early on in their lives. 

 

Do you B-E-L-I-E-V-E?

I am the activities coordinator at my church, which means that all the party happenings fall to me. This year's Christmas party has been on my mind literally since 10 December, 2016 around 10 p.m., the hour after the previous holiday festivities. 

Have you seen the Polar Express? Do you love it? I love it! My husband hates it. 😂

In the story of the Polar Express a young man is deciding whether or not he believes in Santa Claus. His belief is signified by his ability to hear the ringing of a jingle bell. I took that principle and applied to our belief in the Saviour, Jesus Christ. 

I wanted to transform the chapel into a railroad station where folks could board there "trains" and eat a cozy meal. Afterwards, they would arrive at their destination of the North Pole and enter Santa's home for a story, hot cocoa, and cupcakes. The big man would of course visit and deliver gifts to all the girls and boys and testify of his love of the Saviour.  

I had some serious help from my good friend, Elaine, and together we made the evening everything we wanted it to be. Check out our pictures of a night along the Polar Express!

Christmas Staycation

We had some visitors from the north come down and spend a few of their vacation days with us. My dearest friend, Susannah, and her family moved here in August and we have been able to get away to see each other twice now. It's so awesome. We were half a world apart and now just a 5 hour drive. Google says 3.5, but when in Britain...

We traveled to Waddesdon Manor and walked the grounds. It was cold and wet as usual, but we still managed a fun afternoon at the National Trust site.

 

Aaron and I took the kids to another hot spot in our area known as the Bassildon House. It is another home in our membership that is free to us to go and explore. It was stunning and full of different themed Christmas trees!

We also found another ruined fortress close by called Donnington Castle. We decided to take a stroll on Boxing Day rather than fight the crowds for sale priced items. The kids have a book reading challenge during term break; take as many photos of you reading in cool places as you can. Challenge accepted!

I got a new iPhone for Christmas and have really enjoyed the new camera options for taking photos of my kiddos. Look out 2018, my new phone and I are going to capture every moment we can. 

Those Pesky Resolutions! (She said with a wink.)

If you know me, you know I am goal setter and a goal crusher. I love New Year's Day and the idea of starting fresh and starting over. It is the perfect time for reflection, hot washing, as my hubby likes to call it. It's a time to check out our successes, relish in them; check out our failures; learn from them. 

It's a time to acknowledge what we like about ourselves and ask "How do I maintain this?". Some might dream of what they want to be and ask "How do I get there?" It may also be the dreaded "How do I change this?".

For me, it's all the above and everything in between. I live for change and I live for continuity. It's how I become the best version of myself. 

I gave myself some pretty sizeable goals last year. I got off to a late start and began striving for them the first week of February. I can honestly say it's the first time I have ever kept at something consistently for an entire year! You could have probably guessed it by now if you're an avid follower of the Celaya crew. Yes, it's my running and my fitness journey. I know, super cliché, but it's true. I am faster and stronger than I've ever been and it's dang exciting. 

I've already set new goals for the new year and want to share them, a. because when you're excited, you want to shout it out to anyone that's listening. and b. because it will help keep me accountable. 

So here goes: 

1. 5 pull-ups by Christmas; I've never done 1! 😬

2. Another half-marathon someplace fun, shouldn't be hard to find!

3. Drink more water, because duh!

4. Read 500 books to my kids; we are avid readers!

5. 24 books for myself, that's 2/month! I didn't reach this goal last year, petered out at 18.5...

6. Help my kids eat more fruits and vegetables. Do potato crisps count? 🙈

7. Can a girl get a date night? More than 2 dates a year, hubs! Team effort, here! 

8. Read my scriptures cover to cover by December 31st. Boom!

9. Be more present with my kids. "In a minute" is a coined phrase around here. 

10. The power of "No!" I am a "yes man" as they say in the military. I am going to exercise the right to say no once in a while and give myself a break from chaos. 

11. And lastly, BLOG!!!! Once a month! My blog got away from me this year. I definitely made time to do it, but it was very sporadic. I enjoy it so much; I need to make time to do it more! 

Whatever your goals are, write them down. Next, write down sub-goals to those goals. Finally, create a battle plan and get after it. 

See you in 2018,

~K